I’m 66. For most of my life I told myself that I was not gay. I could find attraction in men and to their God-cocks, play around (rarely) in a secretive and guilt-ridden way, and feel terrible afterwards, but definitely not gay!

Aged 56, I had an epiphany: woke up on a beautiful sunny Monday morning and said to myself, ‘Yes, I am gay’. It was like a weight was lifted of me, I felt such lightness and joy. I eventually came out to my wife. We are still together. We have a deep and lasting and nourishing bond of love. We are intimate, but not sexual. I make arrangements to be with men. I am discreet because she remains uneasy about it.

But I have to be fully who I am, and if that is too much for her, I would leave. I have made some wonderful sexual connections with men, and some less good too. I have some wonderful deep platonic friendships with men that I lacked before. I have them now because I can now show up exactly as I am, proud, shameless and unapologetic – I stand fully in my masculinity, charged with phallic erotic energy; with that energy I exude the authenticity, confidence and authority that attracts men to me. Gay and straight.

Just recently I came to understand that the word, ‘gay’ no longer serves me, and I prefer ‘queer’ – not as a label, but how I think and feel about myself. I used to hate that word, associated in my younger days with hatred, fear and derision. Now, I love it and I claim it. I find my horniness comes and goes in seasons of its own at this time in my life, and I welcome the peaks and troughs.

Right now I’m super horny, lots of my me-time spent in fantasy, in meetings, in wanking, in celebration and loving kindness of my arse, cock, balls and body. I’m often oozing precum and I take every opportunity to gather it and feed on it, just as I do with my spunk. Likewise other men’s juicy secretions and their spunk. I have rediscovered these pages recently and love to see what’s posted. It’s beyond porn for me because there is so much heart here along with the eroticism. I have become very interested in sacred sexuality and I have an intention to offer some experience to men in this area. That’s in development.
My thanks to Seb and all who contribute to this site.

Amar Rama

Yes. “There is something very primal about men being able to share sexual delight together.” So true Amar. So true. There are many words that try to define us but few that work cumpletely.. I like the word “bi” but it is frequently misunderstood. I actually think however, that such misunderstanding is what I like. Ambiguous and I’ll-defined. Sort of as if I am saying : – I don’t give a fuck what you think. I swing both ways and I go where the mood takes me. But, despite that, the man on man thing has a very special significance and your words I quoted above sum that up beautifully. A very warm and very firm head to head hand shake to you brother. From my cock to yours.

Bob

8 thoughts on “An Epiphany

  1. Thank you, Amar. Your story is my own. So poignant to hear about another man’s similar journey.

  2. What an exquisite essay.
    This site has opened my mind and helped me connect with a long overdue epiphany of my own.
    I have lived more or less Amat’s experiences. As him, I can say I have found a safe emotional place.
    I have recently met a man with whom I have developed a strong emotional connection. We both have families to take care of.
    We started to get to know each other step by step and just a few days ago he told me “I have found my safe place in you”.
    That was a powerful statement: I felt leaving behind a chapter of on-line searching to hooking up with an eventual and almost surely short-term sex partner.
    At a certain point, I realized I needed to take a step forward and accepted that my quest was to find a firm companion to start living my sexuality at its fullest.
    There are many lessons I have learnt in these last months: my attitudes towards sex can open up ample spaces of wisdom. Or else, I can shut myself in fear, guilt or an insane search of an impossible “somebody”.
    I can bloom my life into peace and happiness, or I can blame myself and the world for not being complete.
    I can create a new narrative of my own, leaving behind whatever tag I hanged to myself. I choose my life and I have the obligation to pursue happiness.
    Life is really short, and prejudices will not open any door. They are locks but me, only me, have the keys to free myself.
    I’m a man in my late 50’s, married 35+ years to an incredible woman. I have 3 daughters and a grandson. All of them are my joys.
    And I have a partner with whom I want to explore uncharted territory.
    My life is complete.

    1. This is beautiful, Andreas.
      Thank you for sharing your story.
      May you be replete with contentment.

  3. I came out to myself when I was 26, and to the world when I was about 37. At that point I just didn’t care anymore. Couldn’t care who knew or who had a problem with it. Embrace me as I am, or fuck off. And most people did. Only a few fucked off. One of them was a coworker, an Arab guy, Muslim. He said he couldn’t allow this ”haram” to exist in his life so he cut all ties. He changed shifts, tried to get me fired, and when that failed he quit. And then I heard rumors of him sucking cock all over town. Yeah, in a relatively small community news travels fast.

    The only sin is to not be true to yourself, and not live life to the fullest.

    As for adjectives, I was never comfortable with the term ”gay”. It sounds… emasculating. Like I’m silly, and walking around with a stupid grin on my face all day. I often use the word ”homo” or ”andro” (short for ”androsexual”, sexually attracted to men) to describe myself.

    I hope your new life brings you newfound joy and happiness!

    1. Hi Grandad Bony Tony,
      It makes me very happy that this site, celebrating our maleness, our masculinity, our virility, our beauty, our cocks, balls and cum, our sacredness, our horniness, our sexual connection with each other, can be shared and enjoyed by men of any sexual disposition.
      I’m glad to hear your claim that you are not gay, but would enjoy getting your cock sucked by a beautiful masculine man.
      I absolutely believe you and I get it.
      There is something very primal about men being able to share sexual delight together.
      Only the trappings of our culture lead us to guilt and shame about that.

      1. Yes. “There is something very primal about men being able to share sexual delight together.” So true Armar. So true. There are many words that try to define us but few that work cumpletely.. I like the word “bi” but it is frequently misunderstood. I actually think however, that such misunderstanding is what I like. Ambiguous and I’ll-defined. Sort of as if I am saying : – I don’t give a fuck what you think. I swing both ways and I go where the mood takes me. But, despite that, the man on man thing has a very special significance and your words I quoted above sum that up beautifully. A very warm and very firm head to head hand shake to you brother. From my cock to yours.

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