A young man asked on Quora, Can men have wet dreams about men? Does this mean I am gay?

Some Answers

Men can certainly have wet dreams about men. As for whether you’re gay, this has no bearing at all. I’m 100% heterosexual, and I remember having sex dreams involving other boys and men when I was a teen. It kinda bothered me at the time, because I didn’t like the dreams and didn’t want to have sexual thoughts associated with men. Eventually I realised that dreams were ways my brain digested things while I slept, and I had to come to terms with my own attitudes about men and sex. For comparison, I had a recurring dream where I was late with a school assignment that I didn’t know was assigned, and I was going to fail the class. This was me coming to terms with having crappy study habits. It didn’t mean I was a screw-up. It was my reaction to the possible consequences of my bad school habits. When I developed a better homework system, the dreams stopped. Likewise, when I realised that the gay kids at school were just regular kids and they weren’t stalking me, the dreams stopped. Also, I had my first girlfriend and had some (very little!) practical experience with my own sexuality, so I had fewer outstanding issues to process at night. But, on the other hand, you might be gay and not know it yet. Or, you might be bisexual. But the dreams are not an indication of that. Only your waking state is an indicator. Christopher

Aside from all the white noise on this page, which is at best intellectually disingenuous, the short answers are: yes they can, and yes it usually means that you are either gay or bisexual. A ‘wet dream’ is defined as a dream that does not only involve dreaming about a sexual act, but also enjoying it to the point of sexual arousal, in its classical sense it meant reaching ejaculation while asleep. As a gay male I have never ever had a sexual dream about women, not only that but once I dreamt that a girl kissed me and the feeling in my dream was one of disgust. Not sexual arousal. If I would have had experienced sexual arousal, I would have explored those feelings. Now, if you are indeed gay then you will sooner or later be compelled by your own desires to acknowledge them, even if you suppress them (as many gay men do), but if you are bisexual then you can follow the strategy employed by a great many bisexual men: you can ignore them and live in denial. Is this a life worth living? Well, not in my book. 

As to what defines sexual orientation (not identity which is an other issue), the single most important predictor and in fact the only predictor is sexual arousal in repose to someone of a particular biological sex. Humans are extremely good at lying to themselves, you can ask the many gay men and the many many bisexual men that have ever come out of the closet just how good they were at lying to themselves, not to mention others. But lying to our own physiological response is all but impossible, even when we genuinely hate our reaction. One line of research looks for example into the physiological sexual reaction Is homophobia associated with homosexual arousal? or psychological reaction-time Homophobes Might Be Hidden Homosexuals of men that identify as homophobic and entirely straight. In both cases, these reactions are used to identify their sexual orientation even as they themselves deny it. There are also other methods to asses the same implicit sexual orientation even as the person in question denies it Homophobia: An Impulsive Attraction to the Same Sex? Evidence From Eye-Tracking Data in a Picture-Viewing Task.

All in all, experiencing sexual arousal is nothing to be worried about, nor is the attraction it underlines. In fact, the single best thing you can do is try to be open to your own feelings and reactions. That way you may discover something about yourself that would otherwise remain hidden. I don’t know about you, but I would most certainly not like to live my life not knowing what I like and what I enjoy.

12 thoughts on “Wet Dreams

  1. Had Wet dreams but never To full ejaculation. Wet dreams are a correction of your conscious mind , how could i say .. your minds invent a story using real possibilities she is different from your conscious mind that is conditioned by education, she wants to get pleasure and the way she invents the story does not matter.. of course if u have a bi – possibility and u do not have acted yet , your inner selfs knows it, and invent a possible story , but does not mean u are gay , it means that u could be besexual !
    Being mentally gay is different of being a male living homo sexuality Or bi sexuality

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